Friday, November 15, 2013

A Few Things About Camden and I

There is a game going around Facebook where someone gives you a number and you have to tell that many things about yourself that people may not know. I'm not usually a fan of these trending things on Facebook but I have been reading what my friends have been posting and have really enjoyed it. It is fun to get to know someone a little better than what is on the surface.

Someone gave me the number 6, so I thought I would post these items on my blog. I'm a pretty private person and I don't make it a habit of showing much emotion outside of my house, hence people thinking I was a lot stronger after Derek died than I really was. I felt starting this blog would hopefully give people insight into how things really are and I suppose it is necessary to provide a bit of insight into myself. Here you go:

1) I'm a planner. If you have ever been on vacation with me than you would have received a folder with an outlined itinerary and menus for every place we will be eating at. I also make 3 different to-do lists everyday.

2) My dream job is to be a dentist but I don't have the money or patience for dental school.

3) I have three best friends and I am related to all 3 of them: my mom, my sister, and my sister-in-law Caitlin. It is a great feeling when your best friends are also your family.

4) I've battled depression and anxiety since I was 13. It effects my health.

5) I didn't realize I wasn't white until I was in my teens. That's weird.

6) When Derek wanted to come home with hospice, they tried to convince me to take him to a hospice home. I fought for him to be able to die in his own house but it came at a great cost. I hate my house. But I'm not sure I could ever leave it.

I thought I would also include a few things about Camden that you may not know. If you didn't know, he is the sweetest and has a really mild temperment. He is my proof that God exists and knows what he is doing. Some other things about him:

1) Giving his mother a kiss is on his daily chore chart.

2) His favorite foods are grapes and carrots. He eats quite healthy since he has food allergies.

3) He refuses to call his cousins "cousins". He always refers to them as friends.

4) His name has been picked out since I was 15 and it fits him perfectly.

5) No matter what time he goes to bed, he doesn't like getting up before 10 am. It's a family trait.

6) He is the perfect blend of Derek and I. He is equal parts outgoing and reserved, funny and smart, and adventurous and a home body. It doesn't always make sense but he balances it quite well.

Thanks for reading some things about Camden and I. This adventure has sure prompted some self-discovery.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Derek's Name

A few months ago, I took Camden to the ER because of his persistent stomach flu. It was the middle of the night and I was growing worried that he would get dehydrated. When the insurance lady came into his room and was reviewing his information, she asked about Derek since his information was before mine in Camden's file. I told her he had passed away a couple months before. She didn't say anything and put a large, extravagant X through Derek's information and moved on. In an instant she didn't just cross out his name and number, she seemed to cross out his life in Camden's file and made it seem like it had no meaning any longer.

In these situations, I don't expect everyone who finds out that my husband has died to give me their sympathy. I just wish they would consider that the name "Derek Beach" has meaning. It means a fantastic father, a wonderful husband, and a good man. They don't get to see his beautiful smile when they hear his name like I do nor do they get to feel my grief when I have to say he has passed away. It seems to be the plight of the person facing loss--that the name of the one we love and have lost isn't as sacred to everyone else as it is to us.

Friday, November 1, 2013

A Found Picture

I found a lost SD Card the other day with pictures that I had forgotten about. Most are pictures of Derek being goofy in the hospital during his transplant last year, but I found a couple of homecoming photos. After being in the hospital for a month, Derek couldn't wait to get home to his son.
Camden's face at seeing his dad after a long month apart is the same face I imagine we both will have when we get to see Derek after a long lifetime apart. It is painful to lose someone who you love so much but what a blessing it is to love and be loved in this life.