Susan's Run

Our family participated in Susan's Run, which is hosted by the Susan M. Turley Foundation in order to raise funds for their Weekend Away Program. You can check out the foundation and see what they are all about in the link above. We have been lucky recipients of the Weekend Away when Derek was feeling well and we are so grateful for that opportunity to be together. Our family also started a fundraising team in Derek's honor called Derek's Baconators (you know, because of Derek's love for bacon). You can still donate to the cause here. We are so grateful for everyone who donated and thought about our family in the process. Our #30daysofderek campaign is still going on through the end of the week, of which you can read more about here. 

Here are some photos from Susan's Run:

Camden and I. Don't be scared, that's just my face.

Jason's Family

Tani's Family

Marlena's Family

Rochelle's Family, Doeshann, and Dad Beach

My mom, Catherine, and my step-dad, Jeff. 

Robin's Family

Derek's dad, Roland. 

Our rad shirts, thanks to Jason and Kami. 

Recipients of the One Weekend Away. Ignore hand shadow. 

The Kids Dash.

Camden looking super fly. 

The family. 

I am so grateful for everyone's willingness to help and fundraising efforts. What a great bunch of people who honored Derek lovingly on this day. 

What Cancer is Really Like

I posted this lovely final family photo (Derek is sleeping/drugged, not the other thing) on instagram and Facebook this past week on World Cancer Day to bring about some awareness of what it really looks like. Derek did a great job at hiding his suffering, so much so that his own family were not aware how bad it was until it was the end. I wanted people to see that cancer is more than a disease--that it effected more than just Derek's health. It upended our life, it changed our family, and it was the center of our everything. Nothing could be done or planned without taking it into consideration. In fact, cancer had been apart of our family before Camden was.

I also wanted people to see the faces of families they are helping when they donate to the Susan Mortensen Turley Foundation. 100% of all proceeds go to families, since the foundation has no overhead.

People commented that this was a beautifully sad photo. It was one that encompassed both the sadness at Derek's final moments but the love that we shared with each other. I agree. Still sucks though.

30 Days of Derek

Today marks 30 days until what would have been Derek's 30th birthday. For a man suffering so much, he sure was kind to others and loved helping in any way he could. For the days leading up to his birthday, I have started a campaign of sorts for others to more consciously think about how their actions effect others. I don't know if Derek realized the legacy he was creating as he went about his life. In remembrance and celebration of him, I encourage others to think about doing some act of service for someone else. I have asked my friends on social media to post something they have done or something someone has done for them and hashtag it #30daysofderek.

For people looking to do good now, our family has started a fundraising team for the Susan Mortensen Turley Foundation. This foundation focuses on providing a weekend away for families dealing with cancer. Our family was lucky enough to be recipients while Derek was feeling well enough and it provided invaluable bonding time while being able to get away from everyday life.

You can check out our fundraising team here. Consider joining our team or donating if you so desire. Families like ours appreciate your generosity. Don't forget to post it! It's not bragging if it's for a good cause, right?

The New Year

The holidays were hard, I couldn't wait for them to end. We did do some fun things of which I will have posts for later: Light Up a Life, Denver, massive business growth and Christmas.

But the new year brings both relief and sadness. I have been looking forward to 2014 and all it will bring. For me, there is a sense of renewal and new beginnings.

At the same time, a year now separates me and my former life. I now no longer get to exist in the same year as Derek. I don't get to think about his birthday or Disneyland or feel like he just left me.

2014 will be a year of growth for our family. Last year brought change, some good but mostly bad. This year, I hope for the sake of our son, that it will restore some light that Derek took with him.

Don't let me down 2014. Although, I know that it is really up to me.

A Few Things About Camden and I

There is a game going around Facebook where someone gives you a number and you have to tell that many things about yourself that people may not know. I'm not usually a fan of these trending things on Facebook but I have been reading what my friends have been posting and have really enjoyed it. It is fun to get to know someone a little better than what is on the surface.

Someone gave me the number 6, so I thought I would post these items on my blog. I'm a pretty private person and I don't make it a habit of showing much emotion outside of my house, hence people thinking I was a lot stronger after Derek died than I really was. I felt starting this blog would hopefully give people insight into how things really are and I suppose it is necessary to provide a bit of insight into myself. Here you go:

1) I'm a planner. If you have ever been on vacation with me than you would have received a folder with an outlined itinerary and menus for every place we will be eating at. I also make 3 different to-do lists everyday.

2) My dream job is to be a dentist but I don't have the money or patience for dental school.

3) I have three best friends and I am related to all 3 of them: my mom, my sister, and my sister-in-law Caitlin. It is a great feeling when your best friends are also your family.

4) I've battled depression and anxiety since I was 13. It effects my health.

5) I didn't realize I wasn't white until I was in my teens. That's weird.

6) When Derek wanted to come home with hospice, they tried to convince me to take him to a hospice home. I fought for him to be able to die in his own house but it came at a great cost. I hate my house. But I'm not sure I could ever leave it.

I thought I would also include a few things about Camden that you may not know. If you didn't know, he is the sweetest and has a really mild temperment. He is my proof that God exists and knows what he is doing. Some other things about him:

1) Giving his mother a kiss is on his daily chore chart.

2) His favorite foods are grapes and carrots. He eats quite healthy since he has food allergies.

3) He refuses to call his cousins "cousins". He always refers to them as friends.

4) His name has been picked out since I was 15 and it fits him perfectly.

5) No matter what time he goes to bed, he doesn't like getting up before 10 am. It's a family trait.

6) He is the perfect blend of Derek and I. He is equal parts outgoing and reserved, funny and smart, and adventurous and a home body. It doesn't always make sense but he balances it quite well.

Thanks for reading some things about Camden and I. This adventure has sure prompted some self-discovery.

Derek's Name

A few months ago, I took Camden to the ER because of his persistent stomach flu. It was the middle of the night and I was growing worried that he would get dehydrated. When the insurance lady came into his room and was reviewing his information, she asked about Derek since his information was before mine in Camden's file. I told her he had passed away a couple months before. She didn't say anything and put a large, extravagant X through Derek's information and moved on. In an instant she didn't just cross out his name and number, she seemed to cross out his life in Camden's file and made it seem like it had no meaning any longer.

In these situations, I don't expect everyone who finds out that my husband has died to give me their sympathy. I just wish they would consider that the name "Derek Beach" has meaning. It means a fantastic father, a wonderful husband, and a good man. They don't get to see his beautiful smile when they hear his name like I do nor do they get to feel my grief when I have to say he has passed away. It seems to be the plight of the person facing loss--that the name of the one we love and have lost isn't as sacred to everyone else as it is to us.

A Found Picture

I found a lost SD Card the other day with pictures that I had forgotten about. Most are pictures of Derek being goofy in the hospital during his transplant last year, but I found a couple of homecoming photos. After being in the hospital for a month, Derek couldn't wait to get home to his son.

 

Camden's face at seeing his dad after a long month apart is the same face I imagine we both will have when we get to see Derek after a long lifetime apart. It is painful to lose someone who you love so much but what a blessing it is to love and be loved in this life.